Loneliness and Fears

With respect to Three Dog Night, one is not the “loneliest number”. Being a caregiver to a “memory patient” and constantly in their presence, makes two the loneliest number ever. You are “with” someone who, for all intents and purposes, is not “there” to some degree.

Mom and I just went to see out-of-town family. They were very accommodating, welcoming and loving to mom and me. My son took some time off work, his beautiful and talented wife was still on “family leave” and the baby seemed happy to be with us. I love that we were all able to hang out together. We were spoiled, fed like royalty and felt nuzzled into their lives. The best part was being able to be with our newest family member – their son, my grandson and mom’s great grandson. We had the best time being in their presence.

Mom was helpful when we babysat and frustrating all at the same time. With her not being able to remember every day items, recognize colors and so much more, it added a level of frustration and I had so much anger, that I never knew existed, rise up in me. If I was holding the sleeping baby and asked mom for my water bottle, she couldn’t find it – it was literally right next to her. She kept insisting she had been there before and my “have-to-be-right-self” kept reminding her she had NEVER been to their house or even the STATE. She has seen videos, done video chats with my son as he gave a tour of the house but she has never physically been there. Even with her saying several times “I don’t remember much these days” she still insisted she had been there.

The number one rule in caring for a dementia or Alzheimer’s patient is to NOT argue because you will never change their minds. Yet, I could not stop myself.

I took a hard look at myself on the plane ride home, and found the me I have become hard to face. I was left feeling so depressed and overwhelmed. I have morphed into a person I never wanted to be. Then I received a text from a third party that confirmed all I was already thinking and feeling. My personality, the “who” that I am, is not endearing. My hope and prayer is that I have not alienate anyone I love. However, my fear is that I have, at the very least, hurt them and they are much nicer than I and have not pointed out my failures.

Mom has always been dogmatic, head strong and “no nonsense”. In some ways she has softened, I believe, due to the underlying fear that comes with forgetfulness. I have so many of her traits and I realized that, in mirroring her, I was frustrating and alienating those around me, even mom. Mom is a strong, smart and compassionate person that has some sharp edges. Sometimes I feel I have all her sharp edges and little of the rest of her. Living with her these last few months has been enlightening, depressing to a degree and a learning experience. It has also been the loneliest season of my life in ways that cannot be expressed.

She is always with me, which makes visiting with friends difficult. She gets a little paranoid when I am on the phone, she thinks I am talking about her to others even when paying bills over the phone. She has a strict schedule due to medications and the times she likes to eat, therefore making plans has become more complex. Even going to church is hard. She has underlying autoimmune issues and the current pandemic makes it difficult to get out with her. She has days that I can go to the store without her. However, most days I cannot leave her long enough to go upstairs to fold a load of laundry because she has anxiety about being alone.

Sorry Three Dog Night, “one” may be a lonely number for some but for me, when you are in a room with someone and are virtually invisible to them or feel like you have lost yourself, two is the loneliest number.

LESSON: Wanting something with all your heart does not guarantee you will obtain it – but do not give up!

It Is No Easier

Two days a week mom and I have been babysitting for a few hours. Three kids under three being herded by two old ladies. We have a blast but always leave exhausted. We not only stay physically busy but mentally “on guard” while with the kids.

This past weekend the trio spent the day/night. We had a blast and the three adults (my husband, my mother and I) were able to keep the kids engaged, fed and safe. I could not ask for more. Having Pops there was the icing on the cake for the kids. They do not get the opportunity to visit and play with him as often as they see mom and me. The usual schedule for mom and me to be with the kids is Tuesday and Thursday, these are days Pop works.

I absolutely love being with the kids. I look forward to our time together. When their daddy is home and there is no need for us to babysit, I actually have withdrawals but my body is grateful.

While my body does take a toll, the hardest part is the inability to be able to anticipate how mom will be each day. I never know how she will be in her awareness, her language skills or her energy level. On most days she is great if she does not have to find the garbage can, locate specific items or read. She holds the baby or plays with the older kids as they mold their modeling clay. If I ask for a bottle for the baby, once she finally locates the refrigerator, she shows me several items before she finally locates the bottle.

I still have difficulty in expecting her to perform as an adult who has gained much wisdom in her life. Mom, mentally, will never be completely at an adult level again. How does anyone completely adapt to that realization?

Not being able to go to visit my out-of-state son and family, without jumping through a million hoops to make arrangements for mom, is probably the hardest thing. I have to find a time that is convenient for my sister or brother to care for mom before I can even begin to plan on scheduling a flight.

Some days, I really feel like I am loosing it. It is so different taking care of mom than it was my mother in-law. Different mental condition – dementia verses Alzheimer’s Disease. Different dynamics – personalities and relationship. Different circumstances – this time, I help my daughter as much as possible and am trying to get out of state once a month to visit my newest grandbaby – my happy place.

I feel like an over stretched rubber band that will, at some point, snap. However, right now I need to do a load of laundry and make sure mom ate lunch.

LESSON: Set priorities and do what you can to achieve them – but never forget that life turns on a dime when you are a caregiver. Be realistic.