The Hazard

Being a caregiver has its rewards but it also has its hazards. The largest hazard is to the marriage of the caregiver.

My husband had to sacrifice time with me when I was caring for his mother. In my opinion, it was not a huge sacrifice because it was for his mom and he shouldered some of the “duties”. Now, however, it is my mom claiming time and energy.

His mom enjoyed watching football, so he would go into her apartment and watch with her. That was time I could spend resting, going out with friends or doing chores. My mom thinks watching sports, of any kind, is “just a lot of noise”. Therefore, I am in mom’s apartment watching television with her while my husband watches his programs alone.

Every place we go, mom is with us. We do not do “date night” any more because we are not comfortable leaving mom alone especially at night due to Sun Downers. (*)

His mom was in her apartment for years before she was engulfed by Alzheimer’s. Before the doctor said not to leave her alone, his mom stayed by herself for short periods. I could make a sandwich for her, leave it in the frig, call her to remind her to eat and she was safe and happy.

My mom has only lived with us one year and she still gets confused on where the kitchen is. She does not recognize items most days, so trying to get her to find the refrigerator can be impossible not to mention a sandwich inside of it. The largest issue is the television remote. She will accidentally turn off the television and cannot figure out how to turn it back on. If mom is home, her television is on. When company comes over she will mute the television but seldom can she be persuaded to turn it off.

I am still trying to work out a schedule and structure but with none of mom’s family around and my kids leading very busy lives of their own, I feel a bit isolated. There are professionals that can be hired to sit with her but I know that would not be comfortable for mom.

I feel left with no real options for mom. I am her only caregiver and see no alternative that would honor her going forward. This will steal time away from my husband and alter or remove time spent with my children. I do feel that mom would make the sacrifice for me and I feel bound to honor my promise to my father, to care for mom. The question remains: What will be the cost?

LESSON: Learn the preferences of the one you are caring for, it makes for a clearer path for you and a happier patient. The preferences of the caregiver may need to be put on hold, for a season.

(*) Sundowners