Being a caregiver has a full range of emotions that go along with the job. The emotions are more intense when you are caregiver to your mother. No matter how much you love your parent, there is a bit of baggage that comes along, sometimes by surprise.
I always felt my mom was hard on me growing up. I sometimes felt that she was pushing me to be something or someone I was not. Most of my friends feel the same about one or both of their parents. Mom was also good at “pushing my buttons” and I never learned how to protect those “buttons” so I would not react. Dementia has softened her some but she can still get a rise out of me – sometimes intentionally.
The feeling of being cut off seems to be common with other caregivers and it is intensified during a pandemic. When you add emotional baggage and upcoming holidays to that, sometimes the loneliness can be debilitating. But, because you have duties, you push through and do what needs to be done. Chin up, shoulders back and go. Being busy can be so helpful and a great distraction.
People that have never been a 24/7 caregiver have no concept of what it is truly about. However, since everyone’s journey is different, another 24/7 caregiver’s journey will be different. Therefore, to have no one that truly, completely understands your journey only magnifies the feelings of isolation and loneliness.
To add to the emotional baggage, a friend came to visit. Due to circumstances, she arrived later than I hoped and left earlier than I wanted. I didn’t realize how much I was longing for that slice of the “normal past”. The abbreviated visit left me deflated. On top of that, mom’s health took a turn today and I went down the rabbit hole a bit further.
I keep telling myself that this is temporary and mom will be gone one day. I will try to focus on the happy times and enjoy the memories her dimming memory latches onto. She often talks about daddy like they just met. He was her joy and North Star and basking in that love brings me joy, peace and comfort.
How would I describe being a caregiver? Each caregiver will have their own definition but I have no doubt that the entire emotional spectrum will factor into their response. Your journey will be based on your past, present and future expectations; however, attitude will be your largest factor.
LESSON: Stop living in the textbook definition of caregiving and dementia (or how it was with a previous patient) and simply love. Love rights wrongs, soothes all that is broken and heals old wounds. Just love.
LESSONS&LEGACY 