The Dreaded Word

Hospice. One of the doctors actually used the word regarding mom. Part of me was steadying myself for that possibility; however, when the doctor actually said it, all the air left my lungs and tears filled my eyes. Has she really gone that far?

Mom has been with us for thirteen months. She left everything she knew including all her doctors. She had to leave the town she lived her entire life in and raised her children in. She left all the familiar places that held memories for her and the home that held so much love for over sixty years.

When mom moved in with us, we were in the middle of a whirlwind. Covid was full force. My oldest son had to “rethink” his wedding three times due to “protocols”. The wedding plans finally came to fruition the summer before. Our youngest son was married locally two months after she moved in, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then her birthday, then the visits with the grandchildren began. We stayed busy.

October was daddy’s birthday and their anniversary. I think her trip down Memory Lane began then. A friend from my childhood stopped to visit on her way through town about a week ago. We all relived memories from our youth, many included daddy. Mom showed off her apartment which included pictures of daddy. In hindsight, I realize that this is when her lethargy began in earnest. Mom had been talking about daddy a lot more the previous week, the pictures of daddy intensified her talking about him. If she saw someone on television they reminded her of her sweetheart “only not as cute”. One day I went into her bedroom and she had his framed photo in bed with her. She was missing him more and more.

Mom has been asleep for most of her hospitalization. I have stayed with her 24/7 with the exception of when I went home to shower and my husband stayed. Mom did stay awake a few times long enough to talk on the phone.

Today, however, with mom asleep in her hospital bed, I was talking quietly on the phone. We had the television on the Hallmark channel for background noise (mom’s favorite channel because everything has a happy ending but mainly because the sound level stays consistent between programming and commercials). Out of nowhere mom laughed loud and full. It startled me and I turned quickly. Her eyes were wide open, a rare sight, and they held a distinct sparkle. She was looking up – not straight up and not at the television. Only a moment later she was sound asleep and breathing deeply. What made her laugh? What was she looking at that brought that sparkle?

I firmly believe that as we draw closer to Home our loved ones that have gone on before gather round to urge us forward. I have been with family, and others, that talk to a deceased parent, spouse or other loved ones that have died. My husband’s Aunt, while nearing the end of her life, asked me if I could see “it”. I inquired what “it” was. “The Feast, it is beautiful!” I told her to save me a seat, we left and she was in Glory the next day. I believe mom saw daddy that night and he made her laugh like he always did here on earth.

I am sitting next to mom’s hospital bed as she breathes soft and steady. I am waiting for the hospice coordinator to come talk specifics with me. I still hold out hope that once home she will rebound, even if the doctors do not hold to that hope. All I know is that her life is in God’s hands and His timing is perfect. If it is her time to enter Glory, her Savior and sweetheart will be there to greet her. I will miss her whenever she goes but I will not begrudge her reuniting with the one that formed her heart and the one that won her heart so many years ago.

LESSON: Love hard and love till the end. If there is no pain in loss there was no heart-investment prior to.