Helpless

There is no other time in my life that I felt as helpless as I do now. Sitting by the bed of a dying loved one is gut wrenching. I have no doubt that she is going to a better place. At this time, she is in no pain but the way she looks at me rips my heart out.

She can talk, occasionally, but not continually. Rarely now she will summon energy to reply when family calls, but responses are short and words are hard to find. I will ask if she is thirsty and she will nod or shake her head. Sometimes she will say she needs something but, due to Alzheimer’s, does not know how to ask or even what she wants. Usually it is toast, her normal go-to when ill, but she can only handle a bite or two now.

It is the pleading look in her eyes that breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes. It is as if she is begging to go Home. God’s timing is perfect, I know that in my soul. She is ready in her soul to leave this world but her body seems to be holding on.

I keep looking towards heaven begging for Him to take her. She was so strong and self sufficient. Her desire was to go quickly and not be a burden to anyone, especially family. I do not consider caring for her any form of a burden. However, if I were in her place, I would be heart sick to just be hanging on.

As I was tending to her in the wee hours, I asked her “Is today the day you go to heaven to see your Sweetheart?” Today she said, “Could be.” But her breathing is strong so I am doubtful.

LESSON: Many people, because they care for you, will give advice on what to do or how to do it, ignore it. Follow the medical staff and your gut – especially if the patient is a loved one – you know the patient’s preferences best.